THE FUNNY BONE

Updated periodically

 

One day a man got lost walking in the woods. For two days, he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that very moment and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle, he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement, he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tastes like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

 

 

 

I'd Love to, But...

I want to spend more time with my blender.

The man on television told me to say tuned.

It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

There's a disturbance in the Force.

I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

My plot to take over the world is thickening.

I have to fulfill my potential.

It's too close to the turn of the century.

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

I'm trying to be less popular.

I have to study for a blood test. I have to rotate my crops.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

 

 

 

 

 

Workshop for Men

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders? Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

 

 

 

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until after the Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners)

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.

 

 

 

 

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?

A: Pumpkin Pi.

 

 

 

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

 

 

 

October 15, 2002

 

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

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Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 8 PM, Please use the back door

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

 

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.

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Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

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Irving Benson and Jessica Carter were married on October 24 in the church.So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

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Don't forget the National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayerconference includes meals."

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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

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Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Barbara Jones remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Basic Units of Conversion

 

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

 

2,000 lbs of Chinese soup: Won Ton

 

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

 

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

 

Half of a large intestine: Semi-colon

 

One million aches: 1 Megahurtz

 

Time elapsed between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: a bananosecond

 

Two wharves: a paradox

 

2,000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbird

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Top 10 Reasons to Buy a New Car

 

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

 

9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

 

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

 

7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

 

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

 

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

 

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

 

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

 

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

 

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

 

 

September 12, 2002

 

 

A well-dressed man entered a fancy bar and ordered four very expensive drinks.  The bartender served them all at the same time, and the man downed them in about a minute. 

 

“Wow” said the bartender, “that sure was fast.   Is everything okay ?”

 

“If you had what I had,” replied the man, “you’d drink them fast, too.”

 

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, “And what is that ?”

 

“Fifty cents,” the man answered.

 

 

 

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